Being Independent

independent blogI’ve learned a lot over the past year, and my independence is one of the many. Even though it’s becoming more of a regular thing, independent women are always questioned. Why did you decide to live alone? Why are you going there alone? Are you going with someone?

It’s doesn’t always have something to do with gender. Doing things alone in general is still just strange to some and perhaps sometimes unsafe in some cases.

I feel i was born to be independent. I was running away from my mom’s loving hand at five years old, eager to approach all the adventures of growing up. Through out some of my experiences I lost myself, got myself trapped in relationships. I would try and plan out my dreams around others, to keep them happy so I wouldn’t disappoint them, so I wouldn’t leave them.

But I got out of those situations with so much more clarity. The only way I was going to be happy was to do the things I wanted to do, wether that ended up with me leaving or disappointing people. You do not NEED anyone. Of course its nice to have someone, or have people. But you do not need them. There have been many times when I felt that I needed someone but none of my friends were there. Not because they didn’t want to be, they just had their own problems to deal with. You’re the one who picks yourself up from the ground.

I’ve learned to love myself, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’ve learned how to cope, and handle situations on my own. Of course I love having a family member or friend to vent to if I feel like I want that. But I don’t need it. I probably like being alone more than most people, I feel most at peace when I’m alone. I can make myself happy. Sometimes saying that sentence feels as if I’m trying to prove myself to someone or to the world. That yea I can be alone and happy. But it’s true, you can.

This is not me saying to dislike being around others. By finding this empowerment in myself, I’ve had the ability to love stronger, to be more welcoming to new people in my life. I’m more positive, more creative, and motivated. To be independent means, free from outside control; not depending on another’s authority. It’s extremely liberating, and a completely healthy thing to do. Go to the park or to a coffee shop alone, leave your phone in the car, and experience the world around you. It’s actually pretty surprising all the wonderful people you can go out and meet if you go out alone, open to a strangers conversation. Of course take the safety precautions you have to ( I was raised by an overly paranoid mother so these thoughts do also cross my mind ).

I’m sure I have much more to learn about being independent with this move coming up in two weeks! I started working at 17 and hustled to get everything myself, so I’m pretty excited and pretty damn proud of myself.

Go love the world – Ash




Stay Inspired

STBSometimes live art can be taken for granted. As you get older work becomes your main priority because, damn you’ve got bills to pay. You get home after a long day and you turn on your tv, or pull out your phone and hashtag, and double tap away. Before you know it you’re doing that every night. Even when you are out with your friends, everyone pulls out their phones a little too often. There is so much art and culture around us. Getting back into improv and remembering how much I love being on stage made me wonder, why in the hell do I not go out more to watch other comedy shows? And not just that but why don’t I see live music more, and art shows, and plays, AND MUSICALS for the love of God I love musicals.

Live art is so important, it makes our souls happy. Even someone who isn’t artistic needs art in there lives. Wether it be music or design, or architecture, art is soothing and helps us express and relate to one another. We so easily loose that child like curiosity about the world, and become bored or unsatisfied, and worry about how much more money we need.

So I have set a goal for myself, to get more involved in the art community. I’ve already got one box checked by doing improv, and being able to see shows for free and I’m going to go to the art crawls, coffee shops for open mic nights, and to live theatre! I also want to keep my creativity flowing with my other art endeavors, I might not make a living off of my art or singing, but I think it’s important to keep doing because it inspires me. The best way for me to get better at life is to stay inspired. I apologize if all of this seems jumbled, my grammar may be absolutley horrid as well. This blog is really for myself, and its been ages since I’ve wrote anything worth reading. However the more I write, the more coherent thoughts I’ll put together… Stay inspired you lovely humans.


American Idol Auditions

This morning I begrudgingly woke up at 5:30 in the morning, with only an hour and half of sleep. As tired as I was, I was excited to do something I’ve never done before. I’ve always known I could sing but never really considered myself a singer. In high school theater I was hyper actively aware of how much better everyone else was at singing or acting, not really acknowledging my own talent. I remember before shows or auditions, my stomach would be uneasy, I was excited but mostly scared that I would just blank and die on stage. My throat would get overly dry, I couldn’t swallow right, I felt like I couldn’t take a deep enough breath, and I wondered why I put myself through all of this. But it was always after the performance or audition that relief would wash over me, and perhaps a bit of pride. I did it, I got up in front of a bunch of people and over came my nerves! There’s so much I love about performing but as I’ve gotten older I’ve inadvertently gotten away from it. However at the same time, I’ve become more confident in my abilities (which may or may not be due to practicing impressions and songs alone in my bedroom, with a pretend audience 😋) and as you grow up, life tends to take the happiness/excitement out of things. Little things like birthdays or holidays I no longer get excited for, but also my nervousness for things like hosting or going up to talking to strangers was pretty much gone (not the same as anxiety though). And in the past two years I have pushed myself. Doing wedding photography has given me the ability to communicate with anyone and find something in common with them. It also helped me hone my leadership abilities of directing 20-100 adults (family pictures  can be absolutely insane). From there hosting on What’s Happening Tulsa has given me the opportunity to meet some amazing people, and to get used to working on camera, which also transfers over to YouTube. The next step was to get up on a stage, and no better way to do it than with your best friends. 

It was extremely last minute when Victoria had told me American idol was hosting auditions at the green. We’d be silly to not drive 15 minutes from our home and try out! Victoria, Tiara and I got to the green around 7am with a line winding around half the green. The morning was cool and full of excitement. Young hopefuls, and amazing talent eagerly awaited their 5 minutes in the lime light. Within the hour one of the guys from 106.9 put us on the radio! We also may have been in the blurry background on the news. Tulsa world journalists came and took our pictures and gave us a small interview, but the best part of it all is around the 4th hour of waiting in line a wonderful angelic woman came around passing out free water bottles!! Bless her soul, she said that saw this huge line and knew we must be thirsty. Seriously the best moment. 

Then it was time. It was our moment for a chance at the big times. Now I went into this with no expectations, I wanted to do it, just to say to myself I could do this. It was even more exciting to be in the same group as Victoria and Tiara, so we all got to audition together! One by one we went, the girl next to me was a beautiful singer, and yet my nerves were good! It wasn’t like before where I thought I might crap my pants. I had a small worry I might forget my words right before I went up, but I thought if I did, that’s the worst that could happen, and it wouldn’t be the end of the world. We all sang our beautiful riffs, all of us encouraging each other, and the coach then asked us all to come forward, and said ” we had some good voices here girls but you’re just not what we’re looking for”. And that didn’t bother me one bit! I was excited! We all did it, and it was a cool experience that we won’t have the chance to do again. If anything today inspired me. This was my first step to getting back onstage, next it’s an open mike night, then improv then an audition for Tulsa theater!! I’m excited and I couldn’t be more proud of me and my friends! Especially Victoria, she went with a broken back!!! And I plan on dragging these two to do open mike nights with me, because maybe we can’t make money doing what we love yet, but we can certainly keep going up onstage and trying. Keep your dreams alive.  

– ✌🏼Ash 

Have You Heard Enough About Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner?

I know that everyone and their mom is putting in their two cents about how they feel about the Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner transition, but I want to point out something not mentioned. I understand where people are coming from when they say that Bruce Jenner is not a hero, and that there are people our there who put their lives on the line to save others, and they should get more recognition for what they do. However I think Gender Identity is not something many people can understand and empathize with. Who knows the whole end game with what kind of fame or infamy this will bring to the Jenner/Kardashian empire, I personally don’t think someone would go through an entire emotional and physical transformation just for $$$$$, maybe if he was saying he was gay, but not transform themselves into an entirely different gender. But what people seem to be missing is that this will save lives, and young kids lives. These kinds of feelings stem from a young age, and there’s so many suicides of gay/trans people taking their own lives because their problem seems so different from everyone else’s problems. This isn’t a common issue, and there’s still so much that is taboo about it, people who aren’t going through it don’t understand it, and will attack it because of that. I don’t expect anyone to understand, but Jenner coming out to this can give others hope. That maybe they can still have a successful happy life if they tell the truth of how they feel.

We’ve been hearing more and more about trans people breaking through into hollywood, (Laverne Cox for example)Cox_Laverne_03_xret-cropped and into the beauty world, Jenna Talackova, Miss Universe contestant


But we have not yet seen an already well known celebrity have to tell the world his secret. Whether you agree with it or not, this hope will help not just kids, but adults. It will help other lives that need just as much saving as any other.

– A

High School Nostalgia

Yesterday I visited Union High School to shoot a video with the What’s Happening Tulsa crew. I walked in through the band hall, and was hit with the feels of nostalgia (all the feely feels that feel…feely). The halls had that same stale paper smell, with the same faint notes of someone practicing their violin for orchestra. Memories of running through the halls with the REP girls, cutting class in the dressing rooms, all came rushing back like it was yesterday. I don’t feel like I had an ordinary high school experience where you hate school, and some of the people in it. I absolutely loved it (with the exception of a few boring classes) I never had an enemies, just lots of friends. I was by no means popular and definitely fell into the nerd group but my friends ranged from emo, to cheerleader, to band geeks. My favorite group of people were the theater kids, we had cliques within the class but we all got along. I almost feel like I hit my peak in highschool, I was living my dream of being on stage! Nerves were a constant but so was excitement, there were never any boring days in rehearsal. Sadly I moved to San Antonio my junior year, and their theater class auditions had passed, and since then I’ve been out of the theater game for a while.

I wish there was a pause button in life, it seems after you graduate life goes at warp speed, and soon you’re 21, then 22, and 23, and you begin to think “whooooaa before I know it I’m going to be 30, what am I doing with my life??!!!” The adult world is different than I thought it would be as I walked across the stage receiving my diploma at 17, it’s been filled with heart ache, and slaps to the face of reality. I always thought I would be so much farther in my life by now, however it was about two years ago that I realized I can take back control of my life, and go for my dreams. Sometimes the adult world can discourage me, but I always have to pick myself back up and keep on going. Anyways I hope you lovely human souls are having a fantastic day, and don’t forget…. Don’t let the Muggles get you down 🙂

– A

30 Challenge Complete

IMG_1811I know that this is quite a few days late but nevertheless here it is. I did not weigh myself when i started or ended because that is not what I’m trying to focus on. I’m focusing on losing fat and gaining muscle. This has also helped me to love my body a little bit more, just the way it is. All the little curves that I hated I found that I didn’t hate as much because I’ve been working on my fitness (he’s my witness, fergalicious) and eating healthier. Now my diet hasn’t been perfect by any means. Extreme diets don’t work for me because I binge like crazy, so a balanced diet is perfect for me. However with a low budget I still ate pizza (which is free from my dad’s work lol) and ate spaghetti, and a couple other “non healthy things” but I tried to balance it out whenever I could. Basically trying to choose between the lesser of two evils ha. But even still I made progress, and now I have several jobs, one with very steady income, so buying healthy groceries should not be a problem, which I am super stoked about. I love my smoothies!!!

But i definitely think that us girls should go easier on ourselves. We see all these models and celebrities, and not only are they constantly photoshopped in pictures, they can afford awesome personal trainers, and liposuction, and even still in candids they look like normal people with an imperfect body. And as long as you are working to better yourself, whether it be to decide to choose water instead of coke, or deciding to run the color run, be happy about yourself and your body 😀


Girls Give Yourselves a Break

miley armpit

Alright guys so I know mah girl Miley is a bit cray, she displays that on the daily. But just a couple weeks ago she posted this instagram picture, and out of all the things to be up in arms about (see what i did there), people got mad and disgusted about her armpit hair. Now I know ladies, we have been brainwashed into thinking that hair is gross is disgusting, and I am apart of that brainwashed group, but we have to cut ourselves, and other ladies some slack. We all know how it is. Maybe you’re growing out to wax, maybe you forgot and put on a tank top, or maybe you don’t give an eff and this is your middle finger up to society. Whatever it is I think it’s important to keep in mind THAT WE ARE HUMAN. We are not perfect, we grow hair, we let our nail polish get chipped and outgrown, we forget to brush our hair, we leave the house with out make up, or perhaps forgot to wash our clothes the night before, and must instead walk around the mall in sweat pants.

We can not be perfect at all times. Our society right now is one of the most fabricated, photoshopped, fake generations as of yet. And not to say that all of that is bad, but we must take everything we see with a grain of salt. Maybe some celebrities with a bunch of green paper wads, can fix every flaw on their body, and have a glam squad prepare them for every day, but most of us girls, wake up with dark circles around the eyes, acne and morning breath. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to be perfect. I find myself occasionally picking out certain parts of my body that I would want fixed or taken away by some magic wand. Only because it doesn’t look like her or her. And it’s not just magazines any more, it’s girls on instagram with matching outfit, and their sponsored protein shakes. Again nothing wrong with that, but when things are coming through your feed on facebook, or snapchat, the lines between what is real and fake become blurred. Maybe that chick does really wake up looking perfect… or does she fix her face before she posts a snap story?

I am fearfully posting this picture of my own beautiful armpit, in all it’s glory. I am preparing to wax, but sometimes I still want to wear a tanktop, without fearing of judgement. I’m posting this picture because I am not perfect 24/7, it’s probably more like almost near perfect 7/7 ha!

miley arm hair

There’s so many products, procedures, and exercises that claim they fix us, that we can look like that too, with just a bit more effort. But why is there nothing out there to say that we are beautiful just the way we are? Maybe we don’t look glam gorgeous all the time, but that doesn’t mean we’re worthless, or need fixing. Let’s just be real with another, and accept ourselves and others just how we are.

– Real Talk with A

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